Now, we have our MaoBaddy MPs acting like them cowboys from the Wild Wild West. They have their own security folks, they carry guns when they attend meetings and they also like to threaten other so-called netas with physical harm! Not bad… hope they had done that before all this natak. Let’s not feel sorry for these clowns. Our democratic netas gave them Mao-comrades millions of rupees so they wouldn’t have to face any pressure-cooker bombs @ their front gates! And now, we are supposed to watch this circus where them clowns try to put on some kind of a ‘Mahabharata’ show or something!

Okay, nationalize them Royal properties. Good! And that money will go … where? I don’t know, 50% for Prachandu Baba and 50% for our other netas.. I guess! Can we get down to business or what? I can’t believe this. The Maobaddies think we will be all right if we just declare our Desh… a ‘Republic’ or something! So everything is going to change tomorrow? Can we just change ‘Nepal’ to United States of “Add your own ethnic thing’. Or we can go the ‘Prince’ way, a country formerly known as ‘Nepal’ and just get a symbol to go with it. How about a ‘question’ mark? Wouldn’t that be cool? When our ghoos-khori Hakim Sahebs attend them bideshi conferences, they will be introduced as, Mr. Ghooshy from the country of?

We have a new national anthem. Can we add some ‘rock’ music to it? Or how about some nepo-hip-hop? And we should also have them drums and dholak or whatever. I would just prefer ‘a moment of silence’ as our national anthem. No funny lyrics, no tune or nothing. Just a minute of ‘keep your mouth shut’ and close your eyes and give respect to our ancestors who never got a good deal from any of our leaders.

With due respect to our netas, I think there should be an age limit for our politicians. How about under 40? We can’t have these 80 year olds who have more lives than them cats. We can’t have these Maobaddies who love to talk about Mao but must have read only the first half of the Mao story. Maybe, they stopped reading right before that ‘cultural’ revolution natak. I don’t know what kind of vision our leaders have but so far, it doesn’t look good!

It’s the same old BS! No wonder, Junga Bahadur and his brothers had a jolly good time for 100+ years! And now, them Ranas are Royals… maybe in the next hundred years, even Prachandu Baba and his comrade brothers can be another Royals and hope they will have big palaces and their kids will marry them Indian Royals and it will be a big Royal family! That’s how it is…. When you have lots of dineros (sometimes, you work hard for it but most of them follow the #2 route!) and the next generation will be like ‘sophisticated’ and the next generation will be ‘blue-blood’…. So if you want your children to marry them Royals… start making money now and no, working 17 hours a day won’t do it… steal, kill, loot, boot .. whatever it takes and the next thing you know, you will be a khandani member of a Nepali society.

That’s right. 500 families living the good life while millions of our hardworking folks have barely enough to survive. And then we have this ‘People’s War’ and what do we get? Another 500 comrade families living the good life while the rest of us are now barely surviving! Good job, God bless and may we all burn in hell while our netas and their seeds go to heaven!

Okay, Scorsese finally got his ‘naked’ man! Poor fella… if not he would have probably jumped off the ‘Hollywood’ sign or something! Isn’t it funny that them great actors and directors always win it for not-that-great movies when they should have won a long time ago for really really great movies? I don’t know what I am saying but I hope it does make sense! Okay, the blackies took over the Oscars again. No, I am not a racist. I love Africa and someday, I would really want to marry a girl from Ethiopia. No, I am not making a joke here. Them Ethiopian girls are really beautiful and I would like to get back to my roots. Yes, brothers… we are all Africans… well, we used to be thousands of years ago, right?

So what’s next for our Oscy winners! Scorsese will continue to make his ‘Mafia’ movies because that’s what he knows best. Forest will make more millions from the usual Hollywood crap and that’s about it. Jennifer Hudson will make a movie or two and if she figures this Hollywood game, she should save her money and do a talk-show and few ‘Christmas’ albums now and then. Dame Helen will continue to do her ‘Yes, I am old but I still got the oomps!’ movies and Alan Arkin will probably be dead by next year!

Al Gore is dah winner! Finally, he won something and now he won’t have to go for the recount. Yes, Al Gore should run for dah President. Gorey Dai all the way… yippeeee! I am pissed that Babel didn’t win the best picture…. Okay Hongkie picture ko remake… dah Departed was supposed to be the best picture in dah world! Maybe when Hollywood makes that Munna Bhai re-make then it will also win the Best Picture. I hear… Chris Tucker will be Gangsta MD or something!

Before… them Nazi movies used to win the awards … now we have the East Germans…and their secret police… what’s next? The KGBs… C’mon… guys, the Berlin Wall was like so 16th century… and I guess nobody gives a rat arse’ about how the French treated them Algerians who fought for France and got nothing. Reminds me of our grandfathers, who fought for the British Empire and received a tidy sum, enough to buy two bags of rice and nothing!

And BTW, like always … I didn’t watch damn Oscars…. Watch busy watching that Film Fare Award on Desi TV! Ooops…. No matter how hard I really want to not-like them Desis… maybe I am suffering from the same illness as our netas… ‘lovinDesi-titis!’ or something! Didn’t watch much of that either… just enough for our lovely lady from ‘Gangster’ win the Best Debut or something award. Man, isn’t she lovely. I wanna be a gangster now. Where should I start? Maybe, I should apply for the MaoBaddies Inc. openings. Can I just be a District Commander or do I have to carry that old WWII rifle for the next twenty months before I get a raise?

Thousands of our MaoBaddies Rambos are leaving their camps and seeking employment in neighboring villages. What is this a joke? Where did all that money go? Let’s ask Prachandu Uncle! Sorry, he ain’t a greedy man but who the hell is the CFO of Maobadi Inc. Prachandu Baba is the Chairman, President, CEO and ‘the One’. BabuRam is like the guy stuck between two fat Biharis (with respect to all those who may have had Bihari links in their DNA!) in a third-class rail somewhere in Gorakhpur! Dr. Bob (let’s give him an Angrezi Naam!) is stuck. He still doesn’t have enough cronies in the boardroom to oust the Chairman. I think he needs to read that book ‘How to win friends and influence people’ or something like that. Maybe, I got the title wrong but Dr. Baburam needs to go back and do some urban planning instead of reminding us that we haven’t lost enough lives to call this natak… a ‘revolution!’

So who is the Maobadi guy who handles all the dinero? And what kind of jobs remain in them villages where our Maobadi Rambos are looking for work? Yes, if you hammer a nail in that spot (somewhere) in your brain, you might be able to quit smoking but it’s very hard to stop taking chickens, utensils and khaat and bhaat from poor farmers! Our young men from villages are now working like slaves in the Far East and either our Mao Rambos are dumb enough to look for jobs in the villages or they are looking forward to going back to them days when it was easy to get a decent meal and a nice bed just by pointing a gun @ innocent villagers!

And what happened to our Maobadi military commanders? They can make 10,000 Amriki dollars if they join a private security firm in Iraq, advising the Amriki Rambos on how to fight this insurgency thing! Think about it. Don’t depend on them MaoBadi Inc. corporate officers. Okay, it’s not worth dying in Iraq when you can make billions more if you can just wait and wait and when the time is right, you can rule Nepal better than Stalin did with that funny kingdom called the Soviet Union!

Ever since the 17th century, Nepalese people have no idea where all them dineros end up. Okay, the Ranas had the most fun, having grand parties, building Palaces and treating others like dirt. After that, some of our netas have had grand parties, some have built their own palaces and all of them have treated us like dirt! Let’s not blame the Maoists alone. Yes, I am changing my tune. From now on, I am blaming myself for all them problems. Yes, I take full responsibility and you should do too! We are to blame for all our problems ever since Sita married that guy from India!

We have been infected with this ‘virus’… let’s give it a name, ‘Nakacharo’ .. I don’t know …sounds exotic and better than ‘colitis’ or ‘”. We live in a culture where we like to brag about how ‘we are all different but we are the same’ but we do know deep inside that we would rather be happy to hang out with our own ‘ethnic’ folks and make fun of other folks who may not share the same surname or something!

We think we are cool because we listen to all kinds of music, from hip-hop to country and we watch all kinds of movies and what not but we still can’t appreciate our own music, books and movies! Okay, the movies are a big joke, please no more running around trees and that village boy falls in love with city girl natak but how can we blame them when our politics, marriage, food and even simple stuff have a heavy doze of ‘desi’ influence!

Yes, we are stuck with this ‘Bihari Politics’ but even the Desis have moved on. Laloo Prasad is still the Emperor of Bihar but he is now the Railway Minister or something. When our leaders run to Delhi for a packet of Hajmola, they should also look around and see the changes going on in India. Listen to DJ Singh and his ‘Bhangra-Economics’ re-mix… maybe our netas will learn something.

And for our Maobadi comrades, if you are so communist then go to Kerala and eat, dance and do some sun-bathing or something and bring back the ‘Kerala Karela’ attitude where kids beg not for candy bars but pencils and pen… where folks live a healthy and long life (avg. is like 77!) and are better educated than the Amrikanos even though they may live in simple homes and eat simple food. Yes, it’s about time… our leaders come up with a master plan and if they can’t… just follow and help us follow this simple mantra… ‘Simple living & High thinking’… whatever that means!

BTW, I live like a hermit but so far my thinking hasn’t progressed. I still do act like a juvenile delinquent now and then. Maybe, I should move to Kerala. Ayo Nepali Comrade!

And nothing wrong with Sita marrying Ram or General Thapa’s daughter marrying some Prince from India. Follow your heart and someday when a Kami’s daughter will marry a guy from the Priestly Clan then we can say, ‘Yes, Nepal has changed….at last!’

Yes, Babel will win the best picture thing! Okay, if it doesn’t then it’s not the end of the world but I hope Alejandro ‘Speedy’ Gonzalez Inarritu will get the best director thing. I feel for our Uncle Marty but ‘Departed’ isn’t the best movie he has made but of course, Denzel Washington got his Oscy for that not-that-great flick… ‘Training Day!’

I really hope Scorsese wins one this time but like always, he might not but hope Alejandro wins this thing. Yes, it’s a racist thing. I wish my name was Signori or Manacotti but it’s not and although I am not Spanish … I do believe deep in my heart that my ancestors did walk all the way from Mexico to Nepal, thousands of years ago! I know that if I take that ‘National Geographic’ test than it would probably be a little bit of Genghis Khan, little bit of Subramaniam and a little bit of Yeti blood in me!

I don’t care about other categories but Al Gore will finally win the Best Documentary Feature thing for his ‘An inconvenient truth’ and I am rooting for ‘Days of Glory’ to win the Foreign-film category. What about animation? It’s ‘Happy Feet’ all the way… after all who really hates them penguins? And don’t be surprised if Borat walks away with his first Oscar for the adapted screenplay category. Not gonna happen? Well, that’s what they said about ‘Global Warming’ and look where we are now. Kathmandu gets snow for the first time in 872 years! Well, doctor-wallahs now call it ‘climate meltdown’ … is it like the planet having a ‘nervous breakdown?’

Okay, Oscar night is tomorrow. Haven’t watched it in years. Missed the Grammys, missed the World Cup. Let’s see… what didn’t I miss? Well, of course the ‘Super Bowl’…. Yes, let’s give a hip-hip-hooray for this Nepricano! I have never acted in any plays, I don’t play any sports that has anything to do with physical contact and if I ever show up for that ‘American Idol’ audition then Simon would probably pack his bags and move to Greenland where he will spend the rest of his life creating ice sculptures!

Anyways, I hope someday our Nepali brothers and sisters will make cool movies and we can all have a grand party when they win them Oscar Awards… until then let’s watch them Desi movies and start a big argument on ‘why Amitabh’s beta is better off not marrying Ash!’…

Best Side Hero:

We have Alan Arkin as a funny grandpa, Jackie Haley as some kind of former x-offender, Djimon Hounsou as Maobadi-victim-slave, Eddie Murphy and Marky ‘Underwear’ Wahlberg!

Experts are rooting for Murphy and so should we… because he was in that movie where animals roamed freely inside the Airport in Kathmandu! Stop crying about it. That wasn’t true but Murphy is the man and folks still talk about Nepal thanks to that golden child! I think Arkin will take home that ‘naked’ statue because he is 72 and Murphy’s one-time serious role might not hack it with the Academy voters! After all, Murphy is Hollywood’s Kamal Hassan or the other way round! Norbit shoud be nominated for best picture next year!

Djimon has this ‘slave-role’ all locked up. When Hollywood wants some African guy who is getting the short end of the stick, they always go for Mr. Hounsou! He’s been nominated once, this is his second time and hopefully he might win it when he plays, a Liberian Rebel who is forced to kill his own wife because she belongs to the wrong clan!

Mr. Haley might win … Who knows? But x-offender is not a good subject to tackle… it makes everyone hide behind their seats but we do have evil folks in our society and sometimes, we have to look deep inside instead of just …I don’t know … I ain’t no expert!

What about Marky Mark? Okay, he is now a settled-down buda man but Marky is doing great with this ‘acting’ thing and he will continue to do better with all that ‘I am just a simple guy but I do kiss or sorry… kick arse’ movies!

Best Supporting Actress… I would go for Miss Kikuchi or Miss Breslin. Yes, it’s about time a 10-year old won something. Shirley Temple did it thousands of years ago… did she? I don’t know! I am good @ making stuff up! But Anna Paquin did win one when she was like 11 years old for ‘The Piano’ back in 1993 and today, she lives in NYC, goes to Columbia and one day, I would like to date her too! And I like Miss Kikuchi…who doesn’t? Them Japanese girls are hot! Nan Des Ka? But everybody is betting their dinero on Jennifer Hudson! She is big, and so is her voice. And yes, Miss Hudson… you are not going anywhere!

And then we have Adrianna Barraza as a nanny and Cate Blanchett. Miss Blanchett already has one Oscar and Barraza should get one … but for now, it’s a tie between Hudson and Breslin. But the Academy has been celebrating ‘Black History’ month ever since Miss Berry and Washington won… and if Whitaker, Murphy and Hudson wins then Hollywood should be kicked in the arse for not making a movie about Cleopatra or Queen Sheba (?) or some African beauty, rescued by Idi Amin or that old fartsy Mugabe or something!

And yes, Oops... I forgot that Britney was from Loose-in-ya! After all, like them Amrikanos telling us, 'Sorry, I forgot ur name, you folks all look the same'... I have the same problem when it comes to our Amriki rednecks. Dem all look the shame to meh! And yes, forgot about our two British budiyas. Dames and what not! I think we should all add 'Lord' or 'Count' to our names. This way, we will all be blue-blood and khandani and what not. And nobody can or will discriminate against each other. After all, we are all Princes and Princesses now!

So next time, please call me Duke Guffadi of JhingaPur the fifth or something. Maybe I should add a medal too. How about Gorkha Dakshin Bahu 36th class(translated as ' Father of South Gorkha!) something. Sorry, I forgot... King G has lost his 'Horlicks'. Now what? The Glorious medal of the Union of Seven Nepal, great son of fatherland and anti-imperalist medal for Communisitic advancement. Something like that.. because the communist medals are always for something 2c2e!

2c2e= 2 complicated 2 explain. Thanks Salman, no not that naked desi guy but our former fatwa-ed hubby of Padma!